Self-Care Sundays: Finding My Voice

I had a difficult time speaking up for myself growing up. I think it was easier to just go with the flow, instead of making the effort to verbalize my thoughts and opinions. I didn't want to run the risk of being offensive to anyone, or appearing ignorant in front of my peers. I was really shy, and awkward. I didn't want to draw any attention to myself, since I was already being made fun of on a daily basis for this, that and the other. I was poor, chubby, quiet and nerdy so...pick a card, any card. I often gravitated towards people with exceptionally big, bold personalities. Honestly, they were very much so like security blankets. I didn't need to speak up for myself with them around, because they would be my advocates. I could hide amid their loud, aggressive and abrasive personas and barely open my mouth. They could be the star of the show, and I could hide comfortably behind the curtain in the dark, slowly choking on my insecurities and low self esteem. They would speak up for me, and in return I would be their "yes" man. I would feed into their egos, encourage them and smother them with attention and adoration. I would show them the person they wanted to see, much like putting on a performance. Little did I know, that this type of exchange would always be peppered with passive aggressive behavior, poached hostility, hurt feelings and broken trust. It would always leave me feeling emotionally drained, dealing with unresolved issues within myself and my uncanny inability to never completely detach from toxic relationships (romantic or otherwise). As I get older though, it gets harder and harder to keep things bottled in. It gets harder and harder to willingly stand in the darkness with my faults, when the light of truth, vulnerability and release are so warm and inviting. I'm finding that the more I open my mouth and let my feelings out, the less broken I feel. The less ill-equipped I feel to handle disappointments (with myself and with others) and strong differences of opinion. It's a long road of realization. A road riddled with hard lessons I've had to swallow about my character. I've lived with not always treating people well, and I've lived with not being treated well. I've lived and continue to live in a space of pained growth. That pain is necessary to keep me grounded and focusing on speaking my truth and being a better person for the people who are accepting of my genuine self. No performances. Just me and my thoughts. My voice.